How Old Is Too Old?
1 in 8. According to statistics from Resolve (The National Infertility Association), 1 in 8 couples has trouble either getting pregnant or sustaining pregnancy with about ⅓ of couples’ infertility being labeled as “unexplained”. My husband and I have been together roughly 13 ½ years and have been off of birth control for about 9 of those years. Without going into the minute details of all of the different assisted reproductive technologies that are available to people who suffer from infertility, let’s just say if it’s available, we’ve tried it. We are one of the unlucky couples who have been labeled as “unexplained infertility”.
Infertility seems to be one of the most taboo subjects in our society. People who are going through it, don’t talk about it because they often feel shameful or inadequate because of it. Or they don’t talk about it because they don’t want to hear the often awkward or seemingly insensitive remarks that friends and or family respond with. Family/friends who have a relative or someone they know who is suffering with infertility don’t want to talk about it because they often don’t know what to say and don’t want to ask a question that may bring up the awkward emotions that inevitably appear when they do ask. I, personally, am the only person within my immediate family that has struggled with infertility. None of my sisters or cousins have had any problems, so it’s definitely a subject that has long stopped being discussed at family gatherings. I am simply an anomaly.
Now that my husband is in his 40’s and I have reached the “magic” 36 (almost 37) number, having a baby gets a bit scarier. If we did manage to conceive we would likely only have the one child which is fine with us. However, if that child should be born with some kind of genetic or mental deficiency, they would be on their own once my husband and I were gone. What would that mean for our kid? Is it fair to subject them to who knows what kind of life just because we wanted to pass on our genes? It’s not just the health of the child that concerns us either, what if we’re just too old physically? They say you are only as old as you feel, but both of us feel pretty old these days, and we’re not even that old! I know that could probably be solved with a better diet and a little bit of exercise, but that still doesn’t solve the problem of we’re only going to get older from here. I mean, if we conceived now, when our kid graduated high school my husband would be 64 and I would be 55!! So much for retirement! Is it shameful to admit that maybe I’m growing more selfish as I get older and the prospect of parenting at “middle age” is not what I expected in life? Fun fact: my mother was a grandmother at 37 and just became a great-grandmother at 59! (I mean, come on!) If THAT doesn’t tell you you’re too old to be having kids, what does?
Having released my shameful “inner demons”, it still isn’t easy to decide to just give up on something you so desperately wanted for so many years. Is it really possible to truly give up on wanting children? Won’t there always be that little drop of hope somewhere in the back of your mind? I know there are other ways of having the family you always wanted, but that still feels like giving up.
Due to some (probable) hormonal issues I’ve been dealing with, my husband and I have been faced with going back on birth control for an undetermined amount of time which essentially forces us to, at least temporarily, give up on having kids for the time being. He has mentioned potentially having some of my eggs frozen so that in the future if we decide to revisit the baby stuff we have that option. But I’m somewhat reluctant to do it because I think we would need to use them within the next few years otherwise we’re REALLY pushing the age thing. Also, the drugs you have to take in order to collect a bunch of eggs have the potential to wreak some havoc on your system, and since it’s a “just in case” scenario, I’m not sure the potential benefits outweigh the potential costs.
So here we are. At a fork in the road I never expected my life to end up at. Do we stay the course and continue holding out hope for something that may never happen? Or do we change direction, say good-bye to our expectations, and move on with our lives?
This made me cry, I feel so sad for you. You are both very brave facing this problem so sensibly. I just wish the two of you positive vibes and all the best for the future, whatever it holds.
Thanks (mum) Ann. 🙂
Sorry to hear that this made you cry Mum, although Melissa’s post and then your comment did pretty much the same to me too. It is what it is, and we keep rolling along with the punches 🙂
None of your revelations is shameful, they are an honest examination of the place you’ve found yourself in and all of the conflicting emotions that affect these kinds of life decisions. I think situations that were not the result of an active decision or intentional act on our part may be the hardest to cope with – and there is nothing simple about having or not having children; the entirety of the process is fraught, selfish, arrogant, desperate, delusional, selfless, hopeful, sad and complicated.
Like Ann, I cried for your loss, because it is a loss of some part of yourself, and a part of you both that may never be. I hope that whatever decision you make at this crossroads is one that you find peace with, even though the road not taken will always carry the weight of wonder and not a little regret. Hugs.
Wow. I love how you managed to put into words the feelings and thoughts that have been bouncing around in my mind for a while now. Thank you. And thank you also for being the one who was willing to talk with me about my infertility struggles. Even if it got emotional for both of us.